i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
