my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
