Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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