I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
