So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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