I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
