Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
