Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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