our cab driver is having phone sex.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
