i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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