u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
