4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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