We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
