Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know