Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming