just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
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If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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