Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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