I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
