You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
