You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
