there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
