I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
