Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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