So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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