Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
