I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Drunk is not a location!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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