You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
