I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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