i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
