I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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