It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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