I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
