I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
ugly people sure do ruin things
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.