I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
