the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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