I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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