This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
