I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
