yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
