I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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