I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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