i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
