i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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