Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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