Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
