I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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