You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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