also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA