Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
