The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
