it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
