i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
