Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
